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While having sex with my ex-husband, I fantasized about being with another woman. Not once... a lot!

I once asked my ex if he ever fantasized about having a threesome. He said no. I told him that I had one before. He said he didn't want to hear the details and preferred not to talk about me having sex with anyone else. And that was the last time we ever talked about my sexual history.

I respected this boundary he had set even though I very much wanted to talk to him about it all.

I didn't just have one threesome but hat I had had several threesomes. I had multiple experiences with other women. I even had a situation with 5 people when I was younger.

But they always involved alcohol, were never planned, and were never talked about afterwards. I was definitely ashamed of them and felt guilty afterwards. Then when my husband shut down that conversation I felt even more ashamed, which I honestly didn't think was possible.

After I separated from my ex, I made a decision to live life on my terms. I was ready to go explore my sexuality even though I was actually quite scared to.

I didn't know where or how to begin. All I knew was that I wanted to go make new memories. Memories without feeling ashamed. Memories from intentional sexual experiences. Memories that included multiple people.

I knew without a doubt that I wanted to have a threesome.

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Not knowing how to make a threesome happen, I turned to Google, of course. I searched for "the best way to find a couple for a threesome." Sadly, there wasn't ANY good information to find.

Deep on the umpteenth page I saw a listing on Craigslist with a description that said "MW couple looking for Woman". I nervously clicked through and was surprised to see that there were lots of couples looking for a woman to join them. (I now laugh at how naïve I was to Unicorn Hunting)

Palms sweating, I replied to a few of the ads. After some funny sexual experiences, lots of trial and error (mostly error), I eventually met a really fun couple.

The first time we were together the woman asked me if I had ever squirted. I didn't even know what she was talking about. She turned to her man and said "Honey, make her squirt." And he did! (He used his fingers and some pretty good upper arm strength, too)

My mind was completely blown. I had no idea that my body could do that.

I also needed to figure out exactly how he did it so I could help other people do it to me again. And if you're wondering, that was the catalyst that began my journey to become an orgasm coach!

Thus began a years long journey of experimenting, exploring, and discovering all of the many ways my body can orgasm. Oh yes, there are many, many paths to orgasm... not just through the clitoris.

I've been masturbating ever since I was a kid. I don't remember when I started but I don't remember a time when I didn't. And I always felt ashamed.

A few weeks before I graduated high school I chose to have sex for the first time. As excited as I was, I felt ashamed that I was having pre-marital sex. He wasn't my boyfriend. In fact, I didn't have a boyfriend for years because I was determined to graduate from college and I knew myself well enough to know that if I had a boyfriend, I would not make wise decisions for myself.

Nevertheless, I continued to have sex with other people... people that were not my boyfriends! I had lots of one night stands. I also felt guilty and ashamed every single time.

When I was in between partners I spent a lot of time with myself. I had a vibrator but I very rarely used it. I felt ashamed that I wanted to use it.

Want to know another reason I felt ashamed? I never orgasmed because of someone else (until a few years ago). I couldn't orgasm through penetrative sex like everyone else seemed to be doing. No matter how hard I tried, it just wouldn't happen. I wasn't like every other woman I'd seen on TV or in movies that had mind-blowing orgasms during sex.

The pile of shame kept growing and growing.

Luckily, one day while my first real boyfriend and I were having sex I reached down to play with myself and he didn't pause or flinch so I kept going. It was the first time I was finally able to orgasm during sex.

After that day I continued to touch myself whenever we had sex. I realized that whenever I got close to climax, my boyfriend would get really turned on and usually come when I did. I loved being able to please him in that way. I felt less shame if I was doing it for him. So it became a habit and I would reach down to pleasure myself.

Everything was all good since I was having an orgasm. According to all of the media I consumed, having an orgasm was the point of sex, right? Wrong.

Thinking back to those days, I can't really remember ever enjoying the orgasm. I always enjoyed the closeness that I experienced with my partner, the yearning to feel accepted and desired, but I didn't ever actually experience the pleasure of having the orgasm. I felt the biological release for sure, but not the pleasure.

I wasn't just ashamed that I touched myself. I wasn't just ashamed that I couldn't orgasm through penetration. I was utterly ashamed of my pleasure.

I was ashamed of my sexuality. Ashamed whenever men (and especially women) desired me. Ashamed that I wanted to feel sexy. I loved the attention but felt so wrong for wanting to be desired. I was ashamed for wanting to be sexual.

I don't know where I picked up the message that being a sexual woman is something to be ashamed of. Logically, I knew better. But the logical mind cannot override the emotional and subconscious mind. Watching movies and hearing jokes about women complaining that their husbands wanted sex and they didn't, fed this belief that as a woman I should not want to have sex.

Turns out. I like having sex. I like being sexual. But more importantly, I love being sensual. I love taking notice of the sensations and relishing in the deliciousness that sexual experiences bring.

But that was only possible once I was able to turn away from shame and turn towards pleasure. It wasn't an easy journey but it was definitely well worth it. Sensuality is arguably the easiest and quickest path towards pleasure.

And as an added bonus, when you engage in truly pleasurable experiences your levels of dopamine increase which is really good for this gal with ADHD.

Next post... I'll be talking about that first orgasm from someone else.

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