I've been masturbating ever since I was a kid. I don't remember when I started but I don't remember a time when I didn't. And I always felt ashamed.
A few weeks before I graduated high school I chose to have sex for the first time. As excited as I was, I felt ashamed that I was having pre-marital sex. He wasn't my boyfriend. In fact, I didn't have a boyfriend for years because I was determined to graduate from college and I knew myself well enough to know that if I had a boyfriend, I would not make wise decisions for myself.
Nevertheless, I continued to have sex with other people... people that were not my boyfriends! I had lots of one night stands. I also felt guilty and ashamed every single time.
When I was in between partners I spent a lot of time with myself. I had a vibrator but I very rarely used it. I felt ashamed that I wanted to use it.
Want to know another reason I felt ashamed? I never orgasmed because of someone else (until a few years ago). I couldn't orgasm through penetrative sex like everyone else seemed to be doing. No matter how hard I tried, it just wouldn't happen. I wasn't like every other woman I'd seen on TV or in movies that had mind-blowing orgasms during sex.
The pile of shame kept growing and growing.
Luckily, one day while my first real boyfriend and I were having sex I reached down to play with myself and he didn't pause or flinch so I kept going. It was the first time I was finally able to orgasm during sex.
After that day I continued to touch myself whenever we had sex. I realized that whenever I got close to climax, my boyfriend would get really turned on and usually come when I did. I loved being able to please him in that way. I felt less shame if I was doing it for him. So it became a habit and I would reach down to pleasure myself.
Everything was all good since I was having an orgasm. According to all of the media I consumed, having an orgasm was the point of sex, right? Wrong.
Thinking back to those days, I can't really remember ever enjoying the orgasm. I always enjoyed the closeness that I experienced with my partner, the yearning to feel accepted and desired, but I didn't ever actually experience the pleasure of having the orgasm. I felt the biological release for sure, but not the pleasure.
I wasn't just ashamed that I touched myself. I wasn't just ashamed that I couldn't orgasm through penetration. I was utterly ashamed of my pleasure.
I was ashamed of my sexuality. Ashamed whenever men (and especially women) desired me. Ashamed that I wanted to feel sexy. I loved the attention but felt so wrong for wanting to be desired. I was ashamed for wanting to be sexual.
I don't know where I picked up the message that being a sexual woman is something to be ashamed of. Logically, I knew better. But the logical mind cannot override the emotional and subconscious mind. Watching movies and hearing jokes about women complaining that their husbands wanted sex and they didn't, fed this belief that as a woman I should not want to have sex.
Turns out. I like having sex. I like being sexual. But more importantly, I love being sensual. I love taking notice of the sensations and relishing in the deliciousness that sexual experiences bring.
But that was only possible once I was able to turn away from shame and turn towards pleasure. It wasn't an easy journey but it was definitely well worth it. Sensuality is arguably the easiest and quickest path towards pleasure.
And as an added bonus, when you engage in truly pleasurable experiences your levels of dopamine increase which is really good for this gal with ADHD.
Next post... I'll be talking about that first orgasm from someone else.
