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BLOG » How to Ask for What You Want in Bed: Part 1 - Self Discovery
"Move to the left, make the circles bigger, and go MUCH slower" I said this to a partner (Yes he was using his fingers) during a little interlude. Afterwards when I was reviewing the delicious moments in mind, I realized how freaking far I've come in my pleasure journey. Speaking up for myself was never […]
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How to Ask for What You Want in Bed: Part 1 - Self Discovery

July 21, 2022

"Move to the left, make the circles bigger, and go MUCH slower"

I said this to a partner (Yes he was using his fingers) during a little interlude. Afterwards when I was reviewing the delicious moments in mind, I realized how freaking far I've come in my pleasure journey.

Speaking up for myself was never my strong suit. Now if someone was being mean to someone I cared about, a fierce Tigress was ready to come out and rip anyone to shreds. But for me? No, a scared little kitty was hiding in the corner for years.

And it was really frustrating every time I heard "experts" talk about how you shouldn't fake it and you need to speak up for yourself. Logically I understood that. I even touted the reasons why you shouldn't fake an orgasm. But I didn't have any practice doing it and it's not so simple to just start blurting out what you want when you're being intimate and feeling vulnerable.

When I went on my sexual journey a few years ago, I tried to find someone that could guide me through learning to speak up for myself sexually. But all of the programs I came across focused on partnered sex, relationships, sex education, or tantra style sexual awakenings. None of these worked with my lifestyle.

I was a recently separated woman who wanted to explore with different people not learn how to deeply connect with one person. And don't get me wrong, sex education is ESSENTIAL but it doesn't teach you how to speak up.

Needing answers and solutions, I turned to my friends that I met in the "Lifestyle" (For those of you that don't know "The Lifestyle" is a term that people that are sexually adventurous use to talk about being sexually adventurous). Most of them didn't have issues speaking up so I figured they're going to know exactly what to do so I could finally have the amazing experiences that they all seemed to be having. When I confessed to them that I would fake it, the only advice I ever got was "stop."

Oh I wish it was that easy. But alas, wanting isn't enough.

The first part of the journey to speaking up and stop faking orgasms started with learning what I liked. It's so much easier to tell someone what to do when you know what you want them to do.

It is not so easy to tell someone to do something else when you don't know what the something else is. That's part of the reason I faked it for all those years.

The moment I committed to developing a a deep, personal practice with MYSELF is the moment I took ownership of my orgasms. I knew I no longer wanted to be at the mercy of the experience of another. Leaving my pleasure up to someone else was no longer something I was willing to tolerate.

How to learn about your own body and what turns you on

(NOTE: These instructions are written for people with female body parts. It is not meant to be exclusive. Just know that the following was written to help give people specific instructions.)

While there is nothing wrong with grabbing a vibrator, putting it on your clitoris, and bringing yourself to orgasm (it is by far the easiest route to orgasm for the vast majority of females), that's not what I am talking about. A practice of self discovery is not about orgasm, its about learning about your body. Learn what feels good and soothes your nervous system, and what doesn't.

Having a relaxed and well-regulated nervous system is an integral part of pleasure, especially if you do want to have an orgasm. Orgasms begin and end in the brain and the nervous system is the pathway from physical touch to the brain.

Steps to Learn your Body

  • Embodiment: To start, you need to get out of your head and into your body. This can be done through any kind of embodiment practice like breath work, mindfulness, or anything that helps you focus on the present moment and what you are feeling. Take a few moments to start noticing the sensations in your body. Are your feet cold? Is it warm in the room? Is there a breeze?
  • Exploration: Once you are in your body, it's time to start exploring! Touch yourself all over your body, but DON'T START with your genitals. There are so many places to explore that aren't your genitals that will bring you pleasure. Chances are you know some of them already but maybe there are more? Only by self exploration will you find them. Is your neck sensitive? What about the inside of your thighs? Behind your knees?
  • Experimentation: Experiment with different kinds of touch, pressure, and speeds. Imagine that your partner is touching you. Pay attention to what feels good and what doesn't. Are you touching yourself slowly? Are you making patterns or random moves? Do you like circular movements or back and forth?
  • Practice giving direction: As you experiment with what feels good to you, think about how people have touched you that you don't enjoy. Imagine your partner doing it. What would you want to say to your partner? How will you direct them to the areas that feel good? What kind of pressure and speed?

The more you do this and practice by yourself, the easier it will be for you to speak up for yourself when you are being intimate. You'll know how to ask for what you want because you'll know what feels good and what doesn't!

Wendy is a trauma-informed orgasm coach that specializes in helping women take ownership of their sexual pleasure through simple practices that are backed up by neuroscience and physiology.

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