"You're so confident. You walked into this room like you own it."
Yes, I did walk in with my shoulders back and a mischievous look on my face. Yes, I was at a sex party and I was ready to have fun. I looked amazing. I felt amazing.
But when I heard those words I instantly felt like a fraud.
I'll spare you the details of all the many, many mistakes I made that night. This post could be about how my past led me to make each of those mistakes. I could blame my behavior on the fact that I started my period unexpectedly and the bourbon I drank hit me way too hard. I could excuse my emotional outbursts on the fact that for the past 3 weeks I had been talking about trauma (in particular my trauma) for a conference I held just days before.
The next day after that party when I learned about all of the things that I had done (yes, I had browned out) I immediately felt ashamed, embarrassed, and humiliated. I wanted to hide away from the world. I wanted to disappear.
The truth was I hadn't owned being a slut. I was playing a role. A role I had been honing since I was a kid. A role I was quite good at playing... a bad girl pretending to be a good girl who sometimes did sexual things.
Instead of running away or blaming or escaping or any of the other things I had done in the past, I decided to make it my mission to truly heal and learn to love myself completely.
It took massive amounts of deconditioning and neuro-reprogramming as well as developing a deep embodiment practice to process the emotions and feelings that would arise through my healing journey (which never really ends). By practicing and using the knowledge I had learned, I was no longer scared of my sexuality. Instead I reclaimed my sexuality and saw it as a source of power and pleasure.
I have redefined what being a SLUT is and now I'm damn proud to be a SLUT.
Humans are sexual beings. I absolutely abhor talk of being a virgin, saving yourself for a partner, or any of the many other destructive messages that religion and society teaches us about sex.
Sex as a sacred act is about connecting and loving your whole self. Sacred sex is about being brave enough to embrace your sexuality, your desires, your thoughts, and your fantasies without guilt and remorse. You can have disconnected, unloving sex with a spouse... that is not sacred. You can have deeply connected, honoring sex with a stranger... that is sacred.
However you choose to have sex and whoever you choose to have sex, the most important part is the connection to and honoring of yourself.
From Lecherous to Luminous
From the age of 4, I was sexually abused. I don't ever remember being a "virgin" because by the time I knew what one was, I already wasn't one. Unlike many other children who were abused, my abuser was good at what he did and I craved and sought out his attention (aka abuse). I knew it was wrong. I knew it was bad... there was no other conclusion except something was very wrong with me.
You cannot overestimate the impact that my sexual abuse had on my view of my sexuality. I cannot ever remember a time when I wasn't ashamed of being a female that enjoyed sexual contact. And because I'm human... I liked to be sexual. I liked to be touched sexually. I liked to have sex.
In my mind I was broken. I was unfixable. I was unworthy. I was unlovable. I was a slut.
But I've learned that none of those things are true.
Having sexual desires is nothing to be ashamed of. Instead it is a source of power. Not the kind of power that takes and dominates (although, there is a time and place for that). The kind of power that fills you with confidence, courage, and self-love.
I'm talking about the kind of power and energy that lights you up!
Unlearning and deconditioning is not easy. What is easy is continuing to live a life where you feel unworthy, undeserving, and unlovable. The hard thing to do is step out of the box that you have been living in and see the world through new eyes. The hard thing to do is risk being different. Being vulnerable. Being authentic.
Learning to be a new you is filled with uncertainty. Will your friends still be your friends? What will your partner think? What will your family think? What happens if someone at work finds out I'm a sexual human being?
It's not easy being proud of your sexuality. It's not easy owning your O (couldn't resist that). Stepping into the unknown can be scary. But it is so worth it.
Now that I have done the work to heal my relationship with my sexuality, I can honestly say that I love being a slut. And I'm not ashamed to say it. In fact, I'm proud of it!
I've never been scared of doing hard work (my youth was hard and if I could survive that, I know I can get through anything). So diving in to work on healing my trauma wasn't the hard part.
Learning to stop beating myself up and to stop tormenting myself with negative self talk was hard.
Learning to be kind and compassionate to myself was hard.
Learning to be kind and compassionate with uplifting thoughts of proudly owning my sexuality... ya that took work.
But I'm so glad I did it. I can't imagine going back to the way I was. I was a real A-hole to myself and no one deserves to be treated the way I treated myself.
Now I revel in my sexuality. I enjoy thinking about sex. Talking about sex. Having sex. I enjoy the tantalizing thoughts that run through my mind. I enjoy feeling the energy of my sexuality running through my body. I enjoy exploring new things and pushing boundaries (the ones I've set for myself).
And it feels damn good to be a slut!
If you're a woman and you're ready to be a Sacred, Luminous, Unabashed, Tantalizing human being, then I invite you to check out my program "Quantum Sexuality."
